2004-11-02 - 6:43 p.m.
Don't ever, EVER make business deals with family. EVER. Got it?
(I wrote this last week, I think. Oh, well. The sentiment still kind of stands, although I'm in a better place now.)
I don’t handle loneliness very well. I enjoy being alone, by myself, given time to think, but I don’t like being lonely. I guess most people don’t. I handle my loneliness in ways I shouldn’t—I spend money I shouldn’t spend on movies or chocolate or alcohol. I cry a lot. I watch too much television (although I do that on a regular basis). I call people constantly, trying to get a bite of some companionship. And it always passes quickly, but while I’m in the midst of it, the loneliness is terrible, kind of a consuming emptiness that takes over every part of my brain in a very uncomfortable way.
I’ve been lonely a little more than usual today. This week (well, these past two weeks) have been such utter shit, with the occasional bone thrown, that it’s no wonder I cracked today. You see, my cousin (or, as I have started calling her, PSYCHO HOSEBEAST) has gone apeshit on my ass. Long story short: she forgot or neglected to discuss something with me regarding the apartment and the sale of her furniture, and when I objected, she started screaming at me and calling me names. I thought it was my fault for a bit. But it wasn’t, in the end. And me being me, I called my mother and confided in her. Then she called my cousin. Big mistake, I suppose, but she’s my mom. Then I called my grandparents, and Grandpop immediately knew something was up, and I ended up confiding in him too. So he told Grandmom. Then she got angry and called PSYCHO HOSEBEAST’s sister. To sum up: as far as PSYCHO HOSEBEAST is concerned, I am an immature, cheap, money-hungry pig (I should use quotation marks for that) and I don’t deserve to live. Oh, and I’ve also broken up the family. (Gee. I didn’t realize I had that much power.) So, in the end of it, she took almost all of her furniture out of the apartment today. Including the cable box and the cable modem. Which I am paying for. So, fuck her. I’m able to steal wireless intermittently, and I guess I’ll go to Kinko’s tomorrow and take care of some business stuff, but fuck her. This sucks. I was so upset that I went out to a movie at 9:30 this evening, when I haven’t slept well in two days and I was exhausted from getting up and out early so I’d be out of her way when she showed up with the movers.
There is some light at the end of the tunnel, though. I found a new place today! It’s in a great neighborhood in Brooklyn, and it’s cheap cheap cheap. The girl who lives there (I know, I’m going to have a roommate. Me, of all people!) is pretty nice, if a little out there. But that’s OK. We have similar backgrounds and some similar interests, so it’s cool. The apartment is small-ish, but my room is big, so I’ll have a nice haven. I just need furniture! Which will be easy enough.
Oh, yeah, and there’s a guy. I met him three weeks ago, and I guess you can say we’re together. He’s very sweet, very funny, kinda goofy but certainly a gentleman. I met him at an alumni event, of all places, and I picked him up at the bar. He says he picked me up, but it was definitely the other way around. I guess I have to give him a name… My buddy blau suggested “the Alumbum”, and I like it. He, however, is also unemployed, although his unemployment is only three weeks old and he’s being recruited like crazy. It depresses him, and we’ve managed to balance things; I’m trying not to be too needy with my craziness, he always tells me when he needs some time to himself because he’s down. We’re just kind of getting to know each other, really. The sex is pretty good; each time is better. I kind of have to relax and let things happen, and I’m working on it.
So, there’s that. For now, I just have to get out of this nastiness.
I will say this, though. If I have learned nothing else from this experience, I have learned that I am the luckiest girl in the world. I have the most wonderful grandparents who ever lived, and my grandpop is the best man in the whole world. Seriously. Mom has been great too, and even Ed, but my grandparents have been better through this whole thing than anyone else could ever be. Grandpop calls it as he sees it, and he hasn’t pulled any punches here. He won’t let me doubt for a minute that I am supported, loved and RESPECTED, and that means more than anything. He hasn’t been afraid to tell me exactly what he thinks, including how well he thinks of me. Sometimes it takes a crisis to get the best out of a relationship, and that’s what I’ve gotten with my Grandpop. As much as I have always managed things on my own, it’s nice to know that I’m not alone, and that there’s someone there who wants to be there for me and with me. And that’s everything.
