2004-07-19 - 6:30 p.m.
Job hunting. And other things.
This job shit has to be the most frustrating thing ever. I think that pretty much sums it up for most of us at some point in our lives, and for me, that point is now.
I look at this rationally: I just finished my MA. It’s summer, and people are on vacation. It takes time to get a job. I’m submitting my resume at every opportunity. I’ve been networking up the wazoo, asking for meetings and even listening to what these people have to say and changing my strategy accordingly. I haven’t left my internship, where I am loved and adored and… unpaid. But with all the rational positive stuff, there’s also the rational negative stuff, which is my downfall: there are no positions available where I’m networking, recruiters just don’t call back, etc. And in my mind, that equates with personal suckage.
I suck. I’m stupid. My MA isn’t worth shit and won’t get me anywhere. I need to suck it up and apply for assistant positions again. I’m not a viable candidate.
All of this is bullshit. The fact remains that I will find something and it will take a while and I made sure that I was financially OK for well over another month, and I can always sell more stock. And I am doing things right, and I am qualified (hell, I have three years of experience AND a master’s, not just the MA) and most of it is out of my control, and I need to give myself a break and just keep doing what I’m doing. And yes, I need to break myself out of the “I-will-get-the-perfect-job-in-the-perfect-place” thing, which I am working on—hell, I even applied to a job in Knoxville, TN. I hesitated, because Knoxville is not exactly a hotbed of cable programming, and I think I’d get stuck in Knoxville, etc., etc., but the job fits me to a tee (and I fit the JOB, recruiters, like I said in that FABULOUS email outlining all of the great stuff I know!), so I sent the email. What’s the worst that could happen, they’d say no? (Oy. They’re all saying no right now.) If they say yes, and the offer is good, and the company seems cool, a year or so in Knoxville is not so bad. I could live like a freakin’ queen and save enough money to buy the co-op in Manhattan that I’ve started craving.
So, yeah. I need to quit with the head-beating. I’m going to be OK. But I want to be OK now, and therein lies the rub. Can’t always get what you want. I have put myself in the right place, I’m talking to the right people, I’m being proactive… Something will happen. And it will be good. And I won’t have to move back to Baltimore.
In other news, The Greek and I are done. Six weeks of fuck-buddying and it fizzled. I’m not too upset about this. I’m not upset at all. If it weren’t for the sex, I wouldn’t think twice about this guy. The sex wasn’t even all that great, but it was THERE, and I just needed it THERE for a bit. But he and I had nothing in common; in fact, he annoys me. So it’s over. I content myself with dogsitting, catsitting and flirting with a grad school classmate over IM and dating boys I meet on the Internet. Well, one boy. We met last week, had a nice time, I totally didn’t treat it like a date, and this morning I joked to him over IM about how exhausted I was because I spent my whole weekend at orgies that involved “dim red lights, throbbing music and indiscriminate tongue action,” and I had him there for a second. Then he asked if I “need[ed] some ass”, and I replied, “Nah, but I do need some good making out,” so I think that might be in my future. He’s totally ineligible—he’s an actor, moving to CA in September, Not Jewish—but he’s funny and smart and very, very cute, and we had a good time hanging out, so, you know. We’ll see. Then there’s this former classmate; one of these days he’ll come to visit me and it will be ON, but at the root of all this, I have a crush on him. Not a sex crush, a CRUSH crush. Like, I LIKE him, like him. He’s smart and funny and teases me endlessly but he’s very sweet and he’s got great lips and he makes me feel like a goddess, even when he’s mocking me, because I give it right back to him. Why is it that I love it when I can tease a guy, and the barbs get really witty? I tend to think it’s a reflection of my confidence around the guy, so it makes me like the guy. Damn, I’m weird. So, yeah. There are men around.
Anyway. That’s most of my story. Oh, and I love New York. I never thought I would like living here, but I love living here. Not because “Ooh! It’s New YORK! How SOPHISTICATED! Look, real New Yorkers!” or because I love the “vibe” in any conscious way. It just feels right to me. I hate Times Square. I love walking to everything. I love the neighborhoods, but it’s not a conscious kind of love. It feels like home.
Just you wait; I’ve said all that, and in two minutes I’m going to get an email from Knoxville, TN, asking me to fly in for an interview. Which would mean I’d have to leave New York for a job.
Please please please PLEASE, G-d, make them call me!
