2004-02-25 - 1:45 p.m.
The Dumps
I know it’s been a long time since I’ve updated. There’s a lot going on. But there’s also a lot that’s not going on, and some stuff that’s just been hard to write about. And then there’s the motivation factor—I have none.
It’s been a very, very rough week. I have received three no’s from PhD programs, and not one “yes”. Ordinarily, this would be a matter of, “That’s OK, there are still four more!”, but I find it harder and harder to think that way. Coupled with my lack of motivation to do anything independent that I wanted to do, the rejections have been devastating. I very nearly hit bottom on Saturday. I hope that is the lowest I ever get. For the first time in my life, I truly and honestly considered checking out somehow—I wanted to drive to the ends of the earth to get away, and for the first time in my life I didn’t see a future. Not a good future, not a bad future, just emptiness. That’s a scary thought. I won’t say straight out that I considered suicide, but I contemplated it. I’m not quite that bad, so it’s not something I’m worried about, but I was, for the first time, well and truly finished.
I don’t know what got me out of it. Well, maybe I do, there were a couple of things—I had a chat with my prof on Monday night in which he, Mr. Big Shot himself, reminded me that it’s not the end of the world and that the rejections are not a reflection on me or my intelligence; I attended a lecture last night on race in television that stoked my fires again; I had a nice conversation with my friend E about STUFF; the University of Iowa sent me a nice email about how much they were looking forward to my visit. Stuff like that. But the worst part is that I should have been able to get out of it because of my friends; I don’t think it’s too much to ask for a friend to just shut up and listen and offer support once in a while. And I don’t get that very much. I get more support from my friends online than I do from my friends in person, and as great as my online friends are and can be, they’re not there to hug me or just hand me tissues while I’m crying. And my friends here don’t do that, either because they can’t or because they’re unwilling. M has come the closest, but it’s mostly over the phone because he’s so busy. I went out with KJ the other night, and it was all about her and her guy issues—and of course, anything that might be negative or realistic about it gets totally dismissed—and when I was upset and telling her that I feel like a failure, her response was, “So, I guess I’m a failure too, because I’m not getting a PhD.” Um, HELLO? I actually responded, “This isn’t about YOU!” It’s like I’m not allowed to be upset. I get met with exasperation and lots of, “Snap out of it.”
Well, I’m sorry. I can’t. I try really, really hard, but I can’t. It takes time, and it takes support. And I am willing to give that support, I always am, but when it gets to the point where I’m giving and not getting, I resent it and I want to check out. And now I can’t count on my best friend for anything because she’s so wrapped up in a guy. And I hate that. Not only do I feel ignored, I resent her for letting her life revolve around him.
I guess it all comes down to being lonely. It’s like, I spent most of the last few years of my life trying to love and support and respect people. I try to be there for my friends. I try to show an interest in their lives. I give them presents. Well, where the hell is my love? Where are my presents? Where’s my “hey, how are you doing, I wanted to check on you” phone call? When I was sick, where was my “hey, how are you feeling, do you need anything” call?
I guess I can’t expect people to do that. Fine. But that doesn’t make it hurt any less. If I tell someone that I got rejected from a school, I do not want to hear, “Oh. Did I tell you about my project this week?” What about, “That sucks, I’m sorry!” Sounds so simple.
I’m trying to remind myself that people don’t suck.
So, in the meantime, I’m trying to free myself from all of this. I made an appointment at the counseling center, which is tomorrow afternoon. I’m trying to motivate myself to do work that excites me. I’m trying to take time away for me. But what I’m really missing is my hope. I have to find that again. And that, I think, is going to be a tough road.
