2004-01-16 - 2:15 p.m.
Love in a time of crisis
My relationship with M is something entirely new to me. I realized that on Wednesday night, which is when he and I had a long talk about things. And it didn’t go badly.
I called him on Wednesday afternoon to tell him that I was upset. KJ begged me to do that; we were all going to be at the bar later, and she didn’t want me to give him the cold shoulder. To his credit, he listened to what I had to say, told me I was being ridiculous (in a nice way), and apologized for upsetting me. Which is all I needed, really. He showed up at the bar about an hour after I did (and this was several hours after our phone call) and greeted me with a long, sweet hug. A nice one. A hug that said, “I missed you and I’m sorry and I hope we’re OK now”. He also showed me that he’d been wearing the scarf I knit for him for Christmas. Totally flattered.
We also talked. For a while. First we discussed Florida, where he used to live. Poor guy, he looked so nostalgic! Then we stayed in a corner by ourselves for a long time, just talking. Now, I must add that this in itself was an unusual thing-- M is private to the point of frustration, and he doesn’t like it when people “talk”. So actually talking to me in a corner was new.
And we did talk. We talked about our friendship. We talked in a way that I’ve never talked with any friend of mine; it was as if we were discussing parameters of a dating relationship after a fight. He eventually said to me, “Look, you and I are friends, and we’re going to be friends for a long time, and I’m not going to change how I talk to you because I’m seeing somebody.”
I have a hard time accepting that I’m special to some people. Especially with my male friends, if they’re close. I always expect that they don’t give a shit, and that they’ll toss me aside in an instant. When M and I talked, I realized that he does care about me a lot and that I am important to him and that he’s not going anywhere. I understand it, but I have to fully accept it, and that’s the hard part for me. And then there’s the problem with making him pay for it, which I don’t want to do. I’ve been testing him. He knows it now. And he still cares about me despite that. That feels good.
Oh, and he also copped a very subtle feel during this whole discussion. I called him on it. He was impressed that I noticed it. Any other guy would be a pig for doing that. When it’s M, and it’s me, it’s just us. The way we interact. And that’s more than fine with me.
* * *
There is more drama around here. KJ is horribly frustrated, because it turns out that one of our friends is just as nuts about her as she is about him, but he has a girlfriend. It’s been a hellish couple of days for her, as I’m sure it is for him, and we’re constantly on the phone and on IM talking about it. I worry about her. I just hope that I can comfort her, because she needs it. She’s got to be patient so he can figure out what he wants to do, and she needs to give him space. She knows this, but it’s really, really hard. But, if nothing else, this whole episode has solidified what I think is the best female friendship of my life. I guess it’s true that you know who your friends are when there’s a crisis. I just wish it didn’t take all the drama to get there, and that it wasn’t so damn hard.
