2003-12-09 - 11:45 p.m.
Got a little bit o' the blues
I know I haven’t updated in, like, forever, but please forgive me for it. It’s been a strange month or so. The semester is almost over, and I can’t believe it. Things go by really quickly, don’t they? Soon I’ll have a master’s degree. Then, depending on the responses I get from PhD programs, I’ll start a PhD. Which I don’t know if I want at this point. Which I am afraid to do, because as much as I hate this town, I’m going to miss my friends so, so much. It’s been a really long time since I’ve had a group of friends this great. And, for the first time in my life, I think I actually have a best friend. Yeah. You’d think that at the age of 25 I’d have had a few more of those, but I haven’t. And I love KJ. She’s the best. And I’m going to miss the hell out of her when I go home for break, but knowing us, we’ll be on the phone every other day—I’ll be bitching about my parents, she’ll be mooning over another of our friends. Good times.
Home. Home has been… not great. Mom was sick for a while—she went in for minor surgery, came home, all was fine, and then she called to tell me she was back in the hospital. It was horrible. She’s getting better every day, and the proof is in that she bugs me constantly about stupid shit. I’m glad I got to see her over Thanksgiving, though. She wasn’t doing too well, but now she’s OK. I cross my fingers on that one.
And then, after that… I’m having a hell of a couple of weeks. I was really depressed last week, and I couldn’t put my finger on it. Well, I could. Bad grade on an exam, didn’t get a TA position… I felt like my world was falling apart. I still feel that way. I’d been doing better, but all of a sudden I have those terrible feelings of dread and depression that I just can’t seem to shake. I try to indulge them a bit—you know, cry it out—but that hasn’t helped. I thought I was getting sick or something, but no, I’m healthy as usual. I just don’t get it.
Well, I kind of do get it. I was at dinner tonight, and as I looked around the table, I realized that everyone at that table had someone. KJ was the only one not dating anyone, and she at least has a crush. Me? I got nothing. Even M, that mofo, is seeing some girl. He insists she’s not his girlfriend, and they just hang out and sleep together, whatever, but still. I’m lonely. I’m terribly, desperately lonely. I mean, I love my friends and all, but it just doesn’t compare. There’s a whole “why not me???” thing going on. And it doesn’t matter what most people say, I still feel ugly and stupid. And worthless, sometimes. And I hate feeling like this. I hate it. It’s the worst feeling in the world. And, of course, there are people around who tell me otherwise, but it still doesn’t help.
I’m not 12 anymore. I shouldn’t need other people to tell me how great I am or how pretty I am or how smart I am or how desirable I am. But I do. And that SUCKS.
I almost hooked up last weekend. I felt great. He’s this hot journalism student. And although it didn’t happen, I was still happy that he’d considered it. Until I found out that not only is he crazy, he’s done things that are pretty damn close to sexual assault. So two things run through my mind: I’m really glad that I didn’t get myself into a dangerous situation, but why is it that all the guys who want me are messed up in some way? I don’t get it.
So I’m going to stop trying to get it. I have a few days left here, so I guess I’ll focus on my work and going home, which I’m NOT looking forward to. Three weeks with the family after living alone for three years? Not a pretty picture. But I’ll get through it.
Gah.
